Deep thoughts on a Wednesday Night....

I had a kind of break thru tonight. I've always struggled with anxiety but it's seemed crazy and intense lately. As I was kind of searching for an answer, it hit me: To this day, after more than 6 years, I feel responsible that Micah isn't here. I know. I know there's nothing I could've done, no way I could've known his heart would stop for no reason that could be found. But there's something so deep, some part that is so wounded, that I still feel like I wasn't the mom I should've been. And I think that now affects my daughter. I worry. A lot. About things I can control, things that I can't. And it's so tough sometimes. I want to be the best mom to Piper that I possibly can and this doubt that still lingers, affects me more than I realized. Until tonight. I don't really know WHAT to do with this, but atleast now I know. I haven't blogged in so long because I hate to share myself. My struggles. I have become so introverted over the years that it's so hard to let people know what's going thru my head. In the past 6 years, but mainly in the first couple after Micah died, I heard so many awful things. Things that some thought would inspire me or help me but instead pushed me farther away. I actually felt bad for being sad, for still having moments of sadness. I have been asked when I'd be over it. And I am coming to terms that I won't be "over" it. There's no way. I don't cry all the time or even some of the time. I have moments that hit me like a ton of bricks~ like this year, when my friends started sharing their kids first day of school pictures and knowing that I should be sharing Micah's too... Micah is a part of me. He changed me. I had spent most of the 35 weeks I carried him just talking to him and as he got bigger, i'd spend my nights just talking to him and him kicking in response. About a week after he was born, because I was so used to talking to him, I made him a promise that I would become a better person because of him. That I would live in a way that would make him proud. Honestly, I'm not sure if I am at this point, but I strive for this.