Bittersweet

Today is Mothers Day. It is also my seventh Mother's Day without Micah and my fourth with my daughter. Today is bittersweet. So sweet to hear Piper singing random songs and greeting me with "hi there, captain mom!" Because of the cartoon she's watching is about sailing. But also a reminder that Micah isn't here. The jarring pain has subsided but there is still that sadness & missing that can't be explained unless you've experienced it yourself. Today, I celebrate with my friends who are holding their little ones on their first official Mother's Day as well as those that have a few mothers days under their belt already.:)

Carry on

Last week I received a letter from one of my closest friends talking about Micah. Letting me know she never forgets and still thinks of him and prays for me often. I love that she knows me and my heart and that she shared this with me. The next day my friend came over and said that she had spent that morning looking at pictures of her daughter and letting herself remember the brief few months they spent together before she died of SIDS. The thing is, like any tramatic event, you never forget. You are never the same. As we talked, we realized that we've become okay with being okay. But to take time to remember is healthy. It's good. There are things in life that cannot be explained. Things that break your heart but you carry on.

Same story

I started a new blog because I felt like I needed to seperate the different sections of my life. But the other day, i read about another blogger who was facing this same dilemma. Her life had changed so greatly from when she started the blog so she asked if she should start a new one or continue the story. It was unanimous: continue the story. So, I will do the same. Sharing about Micah was so freeing to me but many of my close family members didn't like it. They worried that I was too sad or too depressed. Honestly, I was just being real. I miss that. I miss sharing what's in my head and my heart about Micah, his sister, and life in general. I wrote all that and now I can't think of anything to say... So... Till next time :)

Deep thoughts on a Wednesday Night....

I had a kind of break thru tonight. I've always struggled with anxiety but it's seemed crazy and intense lately. As I was kind of searching for an answer, it hit me: To this day, after more than 6 years, I feel responsible that Micah isn't here. I know. I know there's nothing I could've done, no way I could've known his heart would stop for no reason that could be found. But there's something so deep, some part that is so wounded, that I still feel like I wasn't the mom I should've been. And I think that now affects my daughter. I worry. A lot. About things I can control, things that I can't. And it's so tough sometimes. I want to be the best mom to Piper that I possibly can and this doubt that still lingers, affects me more than I realized. Until tonight. I don't really know WHAT to do with this, but atleast now I know. I haven't blogged in so long because I hate to share myself. My struggles. I have become so introverted over the years that it's so hard to let people know what's going thru my head. In the past 6 years, but mainly in the first couple after Micah died, I heard so many awful things. Things that some thought would inspire me or help me but instead pushed me farther away. I actually felt bad for being sad, for still having moments of sadness. I have been asked when I'd be over it. And I am coming to terms that I won't be "over" it. There's no way. I don't cry all the time or even some of the time. I have moments that hit me like a ton of bricks~ like this year, when my friends started sharing their kids first day of school pictures and knowing that I should be sharing Micah's too... Micah is a part of me. He changed me. I had spent most of the 35 weeks I carried him just talking to him and as he got bigger, i'd spend my nights just talking to him and him kicking in response. About a week after he was born, because I was so used to talking to him, I made him a promise that I would become a better person because of him. That I would live in a way that would make him proud. Honestly, I'm not sure if I am at this point, but I strive for this.

5 years

A year or so after Micah died, I was sobbing and told Eric I was so afraid I'd forget the way he felt in my arms, and what every inch of him looked like- his fingers, his toes, his ears, his belly...
Eric told me to ask God to never forget and so I did. I am so thankful for the vivid memories although I still get that horrible gut wrenching pain as every detail of November 1 & 2 play in my mind, like watching a movie.
Micah would be 5 today. as his little sister gets bigger, I realize all that I will never experience with Micah and it is very hard.
I don't dwell. I think of him everyday but not in a sad way, just in the fact that this is a part of life for us. But on Micah's birthday, I allow myself to play back the memories and cry. It's therapeutic for me.

4 years

This Tuesday is Micahs fourth birthday.

I still have a hard time that I had to say hello and good bye in the same breath.

I have been pretty emotional for months and I realized that it's because I haven't blogged... I haven't shared my feelings. I have ostrisized myself from many because I was just tired... tired of explaining my feelings or pretending that I was fine when I wasn't. I had family who couldn't deal with the emotions themselves pushing me to be okay. I had church people who believed that all were healed if you have enough faith and no sin in your life wondering which one it was that kept Micah from surviving, from being raised from the dead. I spent years listening to people get up there and preach this and I just listened. And now I am jaded. Jaded by the teachings, not by God. I love God. With all my heart. We still have trust issues that we're working on, but doesn't everyone struggle with trust issues in some area of their life with someone?
I think I'm almost ready to be real with people. almost.
It's just so hard sometimes to explain that I have TWO children but I do. Telling people Micah died makes people weird. They are uncomfortable and don't know how to respond to me. A lot of times, someone will say they had a miscarraige too. But what they don't understand is that these are much different from each other. I think of a miscarraige as a loss of dreams. When you become pregnant, the dreams for your child and life you will share together, start. When you miscarry, your dreams are lost for that Child.
With Micah, I was 35 weeks. I was well past the dreaming stage and was facing the reality of being a mom. I was starting to know his personality from the womb... He didn't like loud noises, He loved listening to his dad talk or play guitar and would stop moving to pay full attention to him. We used to spend every night when I went to bed with me talking and him wiggling in response. I didn't just lose my dreams; I lost my son.
I share this so that people understand that Micah was a real live boy with a sweet personality. Unfortunately, no one will really know this personally.
But I press on and enjoy my sweet little girl while missing my son.

it's okay

I have written many posts in my heads the last few months but haven't had the time or energy to type it. One of the things that I wanted this blog to do is to give a little hope or atleast let people who are hurting or grieving to know that it's okay to do that. That it's okay to hurt. I think that's what I've struggled with the most. That my feelings are valid and my feelings are okay. As long as I'm not letting them control me, of course. I was at church for Easter and was overwhelmed as I was singing because this was the church and these were the songs that were a part of my life as I grieved and as I carried our daughter. And now, to have her in my arms, to be filled with such amazing joy...
Sometimes I can't comprehend it. Sometimes I feel as though my heart and my thoughts are at war with themselves. I am 100% fully, completely in love with monkey and she is my joy. But that ache is still there. Not as sharp, not as often, but still there. When I think about moments~ moments that are forever a part of me~ I loose my breath and I feel weak. The loss of Micah, my son, still hits me hard.
So, why am I writing? I'm not sure, really. I feel like I keep saying the same thing over again but maybe someone, if anyone still reads this, needs to know that it's okay to hurt and to grieve.

Pondering

I think a lot. I just don't have time to sit and ponder like I would like and share my thoughts... but I have a minute while Monkey sleeps, so...
Monkey and I had to take something to Eric at his Karate class tonight. As I was pulling out, I noticed a building across the street~ a building I drive past so often and don't think a thing. But tonight was different. A lady in black walked towards a man and they hugged. A deep, heartfelt hug. and it struck me: they were comforting each other in their mourning. You see, they were in the parking lot of a funeral home. The same funeral home where we had Micahs memorial. The same place where my friends and family met (through grainy pictures) and said good bye to Micah.
I find myself so caught up in life a lot of times. And then something hits me. Like tonight. Like watching Piper grow and learn new things and realizing what I am missing with Micah.
But in the same breath, I realize that I cannot change anything that has happened. I have always felt like I needed to live to honor Micah... I am not sure what that means, exactly, but I get glimses of it every now and again.

It's not Logical: It's about the heart

I've had this on my mind for a while and I figured I'd share it just because it's there...
After Micah died, I was still drawn to baby things. I used to give the baby isles at Target the death stare because I longed to look but it hurt so much. Once I was pregnant with Monkey and knew she was a girl, I was still drawn to not only the baby things but the boy things. I figured it was because that's all I knew since I focused on boy stuff for 9 months.
This hasn't gone away. I am drawn to both boys and girls stuff everywhere I go and have been really confused by it. But as I was thinking the day, something occured to me: My heart, my mammas heart, knows I have two children~ a boy and a girl. Logically, I know that I am able to raise only my daughter but my mammas heart... it just doesn't understand. oh, man. I really needed to write this. I am bawling like a baby but I really needed to put my feelings in words. so, that's where I'm at. So totally in love with Monkey, thrilled to finally be able parent my child, but heartbroken that I don't get to experience them with my son.

Monkey is 2 weeks and 3 days old today! Honestly, I can't remember life without her. I know this is said all the time but I really mean it! I don't remember what it was like to sleep thru the night, to not have her to hold and kiss, to not here her high diva squel when I take too long to feed her. I thought that I would have a harder time emotionally with the fact that all these things that I get to experience with Monkey I never did or will with Micah. And although I've had these moments, I am at peace. I am not okay with never holding my son again or the fact that Monkey won't get to grow up with her brother but I am finally coming to terms in a way I never did before. I am not sure I can explain it any better than that.
Here are some pictures of Monkey!

Not much to say.

I've been laying pretty low lately. Mostly because I'm just exhausted. The other part is I'm trying to keep my emotions at bay. I can't wait to have Monkey here, to hear her cry, see her face, to know she's okay. I feel like I'm holding my breath till then.
I had a breakdown moment on Friday when I realized that this week is 35 weeks and I just broke down... I don't know how I can still stand after losing Micah. All these emotions came rushing over me... I am so attached to Monkey as I was (and still am) to Micah and that pain of that loss was so real right at that moment. It has been at different moments over the last 9 months and I just haven't wanted to share with anyone other than Eric. I just couldn't. I just can't. It's too deep, too raw right now. And As I type, Monkey is kicking me and she has the hiccups, letting me know that all is well in her world. Well, I'm off to go get an ice cream cookie sandwich. I think it's good for my emotional health... that and chocolate.

to never forget

I haven't posted because I haven't known what to say. I am at a loss for words right now, as we once again approach the days that changed our lives, my heart is heavier than usual. Eric and I were talking tonight. I've had many people talk about me writing a book... even before we lost Micah, I believe. It was brought up by a friend again today and Eric asked what I would write about and I said that I don't know. I said I didn't know if I would write about Micah. I don't share details, the real details, the real raw emotions because, quite honestly, it sucks to re-live it. There are so many moments, thoughts that we keep to ourselves. The one thing I will share is that I remember the details of Micah. Of his face, his hands, his feet. How he felt in my arms and how it was to kiss his face. I have asked the Lord to help me to remember always. Every now and then, I go back to that place and let myself remember. to never forget.

My Saturday morning share-fest.

I've read a lot of posts lately about remembering what God has done for us and about our attitudes and it has really got me thinking. When I was 19, after a scary night out with friends (don't worry dad, it was just a talk about death and eternity!) , my mom helped me pray and ask God to be my friend and help me. I had no idea what I was asking, but after that night and some of the other things I'd experienced earlier, I turned to God. I think alot of times people think that just because they make the decision to rely and trust in God that all will be perfect. I know I am guilty of this. But instead, I see God as my friend. I talk to him about what I'm thankful for and what I'm upset about. Sometimes he just listens, and sometimes I get a different perspective on my situation that I hadn't thought of before. I had some small miracles happen in my life that I will share just as a reminder for myself as well. When I was 21, I was visiting my dad and marion on the other side of town when it started to rain. I remembered that I'd left the windows in the back of the house open (my room and the dining room) and it always rained in them. I made some silly plea to God to not let it rain in my window because my blankets would get wet and I wouldn't like it. The first thing I noticed when I got home a few hours later was the pile of water on the windowsill in the dining room so I ran into my room and felt the blankets under my window. They were dry. The windowsill was dry. I looked at the window and rain drops only covered the part of the screen that was still hidden by the glass. My miracle. I made Sarah come over and see it and rushed my mom over as well so that my rain miracle could be documented.
When Micahs heart stopped in my womb, I really believed that God would bring him back to life. I really thought I'd go into labor and the doctor would be freaked out by my living, crying baby boy. But it didn't happen and my faith and trust were greatly shaken. It has been almost two years now, and God still carries us and cares for us. In many ways He is helping us to gain our trust in Him again. I hope that doesn't sound strange but He is. He provides for every bill~ expected and unexpected. We won a radio contest for a big chunk of money at the perfect time to have our paperwork go to China. This also showed me that we weren't crazy for pursuing adoption so soon after loosing Micah.
So, there ya have it. My Saturday morning share-fest.
I hope you have an amazing day.

Karin

Holding on to Hope

When I moved Eric down here before we got married, we brought our friend with us. That friend traveled in the car with me. He had had a hard life, suffered great hurts and great loss. He was so angry at God and questioned why he had to endure what he did. I really believe that the Lord helped me to share the love of God with him. I remember being so positive, so "my cup is 1/2 full!" in attitude. When I think about that now, I laugh. Those talks for two days were great and I believe I was able to help him see things in a different light but I laugh because I probably wouldn't go about it the same way. I would definitely share the thoughts I believe God gave me, but maybe tone down the chipper, positive attitude. I have learned what it means to grieve and to hurt and to continue to have hope thru it all. I think that's what I would share now.
I have had days where I physically didn't think I could go on. The emotional pain was so intense that I didn't know how I would go on. But I did and I do.
Because I have hope.
This hope is nothing that I can descrbe. It is inside of me telling me that I can't give up. Not on life. Not on God.

"Yet my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him" Psalms 62"5

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Where ever you are, whatever you're going thru, continue to hold on to hope.

Conquering fears & A trip down memory lane

I conquered a fear of mine this weekend. I scrapbooked.
This doesn't sound all that scary, but ever since Micah died, it has been. I knew that at some point I was going to have to put the last year and 1/2 on paper... I just was scared. I feel such relief. I was able to accomplish something that I have been fearing and putting off for so long. I want to make sure that any future family that picks up that scrapbook will know about our sweet Micah.
What pushed me to do it this weekend were these papers and rub-on decals:

I found them in this really cool shop the next town over and am in love with them! IN LOVE! They even have velvet decals that have a sticky back. I made this card with the orange velvet:


I had to go to my moms house to get my pictures and came home with these:


Eric had never even heard of EVEN ELEPHANTS FORGET! so I made him sit down and play right then!

That was my favorite game when I was a kid! When I saw it on the top shelf in her closet I squealed with glee. Seriously, I did. I went to take it down from the shelf and found myself exclaiming my love for the pink imprinty thingy. I proceeded to go thru each and every area/drawer/shelf/ container in the closet. I left all of my books and dolls there but claimed the unused strawberry shortcake activity book as my own. I love that my mom didn't throw my stuff away and that even though our kids will have new things, they can enjoy the stuff that their mom loved!

heartache

My heart has been pretty broken lately and I have been hesitant to write anything since this is the main way my dad, who's many states away, makes sure all is well with us and I know he gets nervous if I seem sad. But, I'm going to share now.
Since loosing Micah, my level of compassion and sorrow for others has increased. In the past few weeks, I have learned of two sweet friends both having miscarriages. One has been struggling with infertility for over a year and she was heartbroken, to say the least. Many in China lost their lives because of an earthquake. Parents are greiving the loss of their children and children are grieving the loss of their parents. When I see the news stories, I weep. I love these people. They are so beautiful to me and it hurts my heart to know the devestation and heart ache that these people are enduring. On a brighter note, there was a news report that Eric and I caught the end of last night. This organization in China is not only helping the victims of this tragedy, but bringing smiles to their faces by juggling and playing games. To see these people laughing hysterically as we saw the make-shift housing of tents in the background made my heart hurt and hopeful for them at the same time. Today Eric told me that Steven Curtis Chapman , a musician in the Christian community who has adopted 3 children from China and helped set up grants to help thousands of families adopt, lost his daughter who was hit by a car driven by a family member.
I share this because my heart is aching for these people. I have to remember that God didn't tell us that this world would be easy, just that he'd be with us. And as I cry and my heart aches, I pray that the Lord is with these people ~ that He holds them and comforts them in ways they've never experienced. That they will find hope in the midst of the darkness.

Peace like a river that transends my soul

I woke up with that in my head. I guess it's better than waking up in a panic or super sad. Both of which I've been doing lately.
Last Sunday marked the 2 year anniversary of when Eric and I found out we were pregnant with Micah. I'm not much for anniversaries or things like that, but it's amazing... my body and emotions remember for me. For a few months after Micah died, I would feel so sad every Thursday. Then it occured to me that we found out Micahs heart had stopped beating on Thursday, November 1st. I've had different occurances like this. But this week, I have been so sad. I just went and opened his keepsake box and looked at the Journal that I made him. Sure enough, April 13, 2006 our doctor told us we were pregnant. . We went to Ginza Japeneze steakhouse after the appointment and I gave Eric a book of names and a bib with a sailboat that says "I love my daddy". We both knew we were having a boy. It's so hard to remember how happy we were about our son... about raising Micah and being parents. All the dreams, the expections, the hopes. oh... it hurts so much, even after 2 years.
I was so much in love with Micah. Still am. I have never so completely sacrificially loved anyone. I even ate veggies for goodness sakes and I don't do that!
I share this because I feel like I have to get it out. Get it out of me, atleast.
You know what scares me most about every getting pregnant again? That I will hold myself back from the next child for fear of losing it as well. Of not talking and loving on them as much as I did Micah. I knew his habits, his patterns, I knew his spirit. And it scares me to feel that again, in a way. To love someone that much and loose them. I do realize that Micah's with Jesus. I get it. I am just sad that he's not with me and Eric. That's just my truth.
I sit here sobbing and puffy eyed and question God as to what I am to do with this. I don't want to hurt in vain. I don't want to sit and feel sorry for myself. And I don't think that I do. I have made it a point to be a good employee and I have tried my best to be the best friend and wife I can be at this time. Sometimes I fail, but I do try.
So, that's where I am right now.
There is a big thing Eric and I felt needs to happen soon...I'll explain further once it happens but If you can pray that God will help it happen, that'd be awesome.
Love you guys.

It's Okay.

My friend Rhonda recently sent me and Eric a care package with many different things. In it, was a beautiful necklace with a heart of 2 colors and then with a little bitty heart attached (the baby Micah heart!) and many other things to let me know she cares and remembers and also a beautiful scrapbook and letter to show the hope and excitement for our daughter to come! We loved it but I could tell that Rhonda was a little nervous as to how I would take it. And for you that are wondering, It means the world to me that you remember. That you are okay that I'm not really who I was. That a part of my heart is gone. that Micah is a part of our lives. our family. And he will always be. It's okay to ask me questions. It's okay. And if you're uncomfortable for some reason, talk to me so maybe we can work thru it together.
I say all this because I had to get some "assistance" from those that have suffered the loss of a child due to stillbirth because I have recently received a "when will you be over it?"(the frustration of not being able to raise Micah) comment. And I fumbled for words. And I once again thought, well maybe I'm in the wrong. Maybe I shouldn't share. Maybe I need to be stronger so this doesn't bother me. But it still does. I am happy for my friends and family that are having and have healthy children. I am just sad for me and Eric. I celebrate with you but my heart grieves for us. I don't think people get this. I grieve the fact that Micah won't reach the milestones that the kids who would've been his playmates do. I just miss what was hoped for, dreamed about and imagined.

Karin

hope

Proverbs 13:12 says:"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom. More than anything else, I wanted kids that I could take care of and raise. I had even started to take classes in child care when I first graduated from High School so I could run my own or someone elses day care . I quit those classes, went on with my life, but knew in my heart of hearts what I would be: a mom. When Micah unexpectedly died, I felt like I lost my dreams as well. I stopped making myself available to be prayed for because people would always pray for more kids... and that's all well and good, but my goodness! My heart ached and I can't imagine the future right now, people! I have been crying out to God, trying to figure out what I was feeling and why I couldn't STOP CRYING!!! When this verse was pointed out on a blog that I check out periodically, I had a "THAT'S IT!" moment. My hope of raising my children has been deferred... not dashed, not dead. Just put off till a later time. And thru the pain, I still have hope. And now I really get the pain, the broken heart, that sick feeling I get. I still miss Micah and I will always have a sadness by not getting to raise him but this isn't the end... it's not. And although my hope of raising children has been deferred and it has made my heart sad, I will continue to have hope.

Stand

In the 10 years since I gave my life to Christ, I have seen and heard of different ways God answered prayers, did the miraculous, and came thru in the midst of crisis. I have experienced money coming in at the very last minute to pay those bills the day they were due, I have heard of a loved one being healed from cancer, I have seen marriages that looked hopeless be brought to life again.
but how do you continue to stand in your trust and faith in the Lord when He doesn't come thru as you expect?... what about those times when you can't pay the bills, the person you'd been praying for dies, or your marriage ends in divorce?
Despite pressing in for the miraculous healing both before and after his birth, Micah did not live.
Some people may think that asking the Lord to raise the dead is a bit over the top, but it's not for our God.
In the hospital, I heard Aaron Evans voice echo in my ear. During one sermon he'd given years back, he'd said something like, " when you've stood and you're tired of standing, stand some'ore." I have heard this echo many times in the hours, days, weeks, and months that have followed. I can speak for both Eric and I when I say that our trust in God was shaken. We struggled with how we can continue to stand in our trust and faith in the Lord when He didn't come thru as we expected.
Eph 6:13 says "Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."
"Stand" can be defined as to remain firm or steadfast, as in a cause. To take up or maintain a position or attitude with respect to a person, issue, or the like: I stand for Christ.
I have always taken this verse literally, about standing instead of realizing it represents what you're standing for. I have come to realize that in those times of standing, there will be times of doubt and times when trusting is difficult or maybe close to impossible.
There are going to be times in our lives when things happen that make us doubt the goodness, the faithfulness, the justice of God. In those times, with all those things swirling about, we need to continue to hold strong to the basics of who God is and to stand on that truth. We need to continue to stand for Christ. Even when the circumstances tell us differently, holding firm to the word of God, the words spoken to your heart. That He will direct your path, that he will hide you in the shadow of his wings. When your flesh is reminding you that none of this is true, feed yourself, your spirit the REAL truth... we don't see as God sees.
Love,
Karin