hope

Proverbs 13:12 says:"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom. More than anything else, I wanted kids that I could take care of and raise. I had even started to take classes in child care when I first graduated from High School so I could run my own or someone elses day care . I quit those classes, went on with my life, but knew in my heart of hearts what I would be: a mom. When Micah unexpectedly died, I felt like I lost my dreams as well. I stopped making myself available to be prayed for because people would always pray for more kids... and that's all well and good, but my goodness! My heart ached and I can't imagine the future right now, people! I have been crying out to God, trying to figure out what I was feeling and why I couldn't STOP CRYING!!! When this verse was pointed out on a blog that I check out periodically, I had a "THAT'S IT!" moment. My hope of raising my children has been deferred... not dashed, not dead. Just put off till a later time. And thru the pain, I still have hope. And now I really get the pain, the broken heart, that sick feeling I get. I still miss Micah and I will always have a sadness by not getting to raise him but this isn't the end... it's not. And although my hope of raising children has been deferred and it has made my heart sad, I will continue to have hope.