Today we should be celebrating Micahs' First Birthday.
Instead, I am up after 5 hours of sleep, thinking. Many times in the past year I thought, screamed "THIS IS NOT HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!" and today is no different. On November 1st, 2006 I went in for my 35th week check up. I only had 5 weeks till Micahs due date. I had already set up the house for his homecoming~ everything from the bottles in the cupboards, the diapers on the changing table to washing his newborn clothes in dreft. We'd had his baby shower just a week or two earlier, so Eric and I were becoming more excited, sitting on the floor at night talking about what we thought Micah would be like... we figured he'd be artistic in some way, since we both are. And I had my heart set on being a soccer mom. or baseball mom. or basketball mom. I am okay with all sports that aren't wrestling. But on that day, they couldn't find Micahs' heart beat. After 35 weeks of normal check ups, of enjoying his presence, our little boys heart had stopped. To this day, they don't have an exact cause. They induced me and Micah was stillborn at 10:18 am November 2, 2006. Our hearts are broken, but we go on.
I started going to church when I was 20. I remember to this day how the pastor at that church would say how boring the book of Job was, so I had never read it. But in this past year, I have read it and gone back to it many times. Jobs heart is broken and he's angry with God. I was so scared to be angry with God, but realized that I needed to be honest with Him. Although Job was angry and felt abandoned, he never cursed God. This is good. I still don't have alot of things worked out in my head, but I keep going.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine what you have gone through. Your sharing of the pain, and of the work necessary to keep going and to stand for Christ will be an encouragement to many and will bring HIM glory. Who knows who may come across your blog and need that challenge and encouragmeent.
Thanks,
Brandi
Karin,
I know that you follow my blog but I've only just now read your older posts. I am so sorry for this pain that you and your husband endured, and so glad that you turned to the Book of Job. It is funny, in a weird way, when you start reading about the Bible's most faithful. They DID get angry. They DID yell at God. But they never severed the conversation. Even in their darkest moments, even when they were crying and railing at Him and telling Him that they weren't going to listen to Him anymore, they were talking with Him. And He is always waiting to pick up that conversation.
I know that you celebrate only Christ at this time of year (and not Santa); may you have a lovely holiday and enjoy the peace that passes understanding.
Ruby
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