I have written many posts in my heads the last few months but haven't had the time or energy to type it. One of the things that I wanted this blog to do is to give a little hope or atleast let people who are hurting or grieving to know that it's okay to do that. That it's okay to hurt. I think that's what I've struggled with the most. That my feelings are valid and my feelings are okay. As long as I'm not letting them control me, of course. I was at church for Easter and was overwhelmed as I was singing because this was the church and these were the songs that were a part of my life as I grieved and as I carried our daughter. And now, to have her in my arms, to be filled with such amazing joy...
Sometimes I can't comprehend it. Sometimes I feel as though my heart and my thoughts are at war with themselves. I am 100% fully, completely in love with monkey and she is my joy. But that ache is still there. Not as sharp, not as often, but still there. When I think about moments~ moments that are forever a part of me~ I loose my breath and I feel weak. The loss of Micah, my son, still hits me hard.
So, why am I writing? I'm not sure, really. I feel like I keep saying the same thing over again but maybe someone, if anyone still reads this, needs to know that it's okay to hurt and to grieve.
2 comments:
I'm still reading. Been reading your blog for what two years?! I think when you loose someone you will grieve for your lifetime. It may not be all the time, but there will be moments that take your breath away and you remember it all over again. You feel the lose all over again, the pain. It doesn't mean you aren't enjoying every moment of what you have now, it just means you still hurt and you still miss what you once had if it was only for a moment.
Your daughter is adorable! I can see how much happiness she brings you! I'm so very happy for you!
Lots of love from Texas!
Alicia
It's so good to hear from you again, Karin, and Happy Easter! We've talked about grief and loss before, and could there be a more apropos time to think about it than when you're in church listening to the story of Our Father losing his one and only Son? C'mon, cut yourself some slack on this.
There is no magic formula or specific timeline or "right way" to grieve. My grandmother lost two children-an eight year old daughter and a 23 year old son. She cried every time she talked about them. She was devoutly religious, certain they were going to meet again in Heaven, but even after her daughter being gone for 50 years and her son being gone for at least half of that, she could never talk about them without tearing up. I think that's healthy. When my nephew died a couple of years ago, I told my sister in-law about that and said that to me, as a child at my grandmother's table, it was reassuring-I knew that she would cry for me and miss me if anything ever happened.
As long as the grief doesn't consume you, as long as it doesn't interfere with you mothering your daughter, let it come and let it out. What would the alternative be?
Lots of love,
Ruby
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