This Tuesday is Micahs fourth birthday.
I still have a hard time that I had to say hello and good bye in the same breath.
I have been pretty emotional for months and I realized that it's because I haven't blogged... I haven't shared my feelings. I have ostrisized myself from many because I was just tired... tired of explaining my feelings or pretending that I was fine when I wasn't. I had family who couldn't deal with the emotions themselves pushing me to be okay. I had church people who believed that all were healed if you have enough faith and no sin in your life wondering which one it was that kept Micah from surviving, from being raised from the dead. I spent years listening to people get up there and preach this and I just listened. And now I am jaded. Jaded by the teachings, not by God. I love God. With all my heart. We still have trust issues that we're working on, but doesn't everyone struggle with trust issues in some area of their life with someone?
I think I'm almost ready to be real with people. almost.
It's just so hard sometimes to explain that I have TWO children but I do. Telling people Micah died makes people weird. They are uncomfortable and don't know how to respond to me. A lot of times, someone will say they had a miscarraige too. But what they don't understand is that these are much different from each other. I think of a miscarraige as a loss of dreams. When you become pregnant, the dreams for your child and life you will share together, start. When you miscarry, your dreams are lost for that Child.
With Micah, I was 35 weeks. I was well past the dreaming stage and was facing the reality of being a mom. I was starting to know his personality from the womb... He didn't like loud noises, He loved listening to his dad talk or play guitar and would stop moving to pay full attention to him. We used to spend every night when I went to bed with me talking and him wiggling in response. I didn't just lose my dreams; I lost my son.
I share this so that people understand that Micah was a real live boy with a sweet personality. Unfortunately, no one will really know this personally.
But I press on and enjoy my sweet little girl while missing my son.
4 comments:
Karin,
It's so good to see you posting again! My 19 year old was born at 35 weeks so I know just how precarious that age can be. I had spent a month in the hospital before they had to take her. When I tell people how dangerous the 8th month is-more dangerous than the 7th-they look at me like I'm weird-how could an older child be less likely to survive than a younger child? They don't know.
I'm glad that the rationalizations of others don't interfere with your relationship with God. There is nothing wrong with questioning, with doubting, with having trust issues. All of the most important people in the world, Christian or otherwise, have doubted what they believed in and their own ability to work through their pain and insecurity. There is no faith without doubt.
Ruby
I don't have the words. I can't imagine. So I send you this (((hugs)))). You are a dear friend in the blogging world and I think of you often.
You're a brave lady, and there's nothing wrong with you, and don't let anyone tell you different. A lot of people just don't have a mature way to deal with the "problem of pain" as it were.
People who live on a fault-line might think it's being optimistic to pretend that they aren't experiencing seismic tremors, but those people are on crack, pretty much. Their arguments will fall with their houses.
The gift of God is not the removal of pain, but the strength to endure, by the Spirit of God. Which does not mean a lack of tears, but the courage to cry them.
We are cheating everyone of Truth and Light when we try to pretend that pain is a curable disease, instead of the natural result of life on the faultline of a broken universe.
The tears will end, when once and for all, the universe is put to rights. Until then, the brave ones are the ones who can face the truth about our world and still love the One who made it.
First of all, I can not tell you how happy I was to hear from you. I'm so happy you're on board with the new blog, you have no idea. I just read your last post and it was extemely moving. Your loss is something I can not imagine but I think it's truly courageous that you have preserved Micah in such an adoring way. I hope you are holding up OK and I hope to see you back soon. :)
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