I woke up with that in my head. I guess it's better than waking up in a panic or super sad. Both of which I've been doing lately.
Last Sunday marked the 2 year anniversary of when Eric and I found out we were pregnant with Micah. I'm not much for anniversaries or things like that, but it's amazing... my body and emotions remember for me. For a few months after Micah died, I would feel so sad every Thursday. Then it occured to me that we found out Micahs heart had stopped beating on Thursday, November 1st. I've had different occurances like this. But this week, I have been so sad. I just went and opened his keepsake box and looked at the Journal that I made him. Sure enough, April 13, 2006 our doctor told us we were pregnant. . We went to Ginza Japeneze steakhouse after the appointment and I gave Eric a book of names and a bib with a sailboat that says "I love my daddy". We both knew we were having a boy. It's so hard to remember how happy we were about our son... about raising Micah and being parents. All the dreams, the expections, the hopes. oh... it hurts so much, even after 2 years.
I was so much in love with Micah. Still am. I have never so completely sacrificially loved anyone. I even ate veggies for goodness sakes and I don't do that!
I share this because I feel like I have to get it out. Get it out of me, atleast.
You know what scares me most about every getting pregnant again? That I will hold myself back from the next child for fear of losing it as well. Of not talking and loving on them as much as I did Micah. I knew his habits, his patterns, I knew his spirit. And it scares me to feel that again, in a way. To love someone that much and loose them. I do realize that Micah's with Jesus. I get it. I am just sad that he's not with me and Eric. That's just my truth.
I sit here sobbing and puffy eyed and question God as to what I am to do with this. I don't want to hurt in vain. I don't want to sit and feel sorry for myself. And I don't think that I do. I have made it a point to be a good employee and I have tried my best to be the best friend and wife I can be at this time. Sometimes I fail, but I do try.
So, that's where I am right now.
There is a big thing Eric and I felt needs to happen soon...I'll explain further once it happens but If you can pray that God will help it happen, that'd be awesome.
Love you guys.
3 comments:
Beloved sister, There are no words I can say to make the tears and puffy eyes fade-but what I can tell you is that you are not alone. You are loved, your loss is not forgotten and I know that your life has blessed mine. God is good and faithful.
Hi Karin,
I sent one comment earlier, but I don't see it. So here goes again! I have not experienced your loss, but I share your pain of longing for a child. My eyes hurt from all the tears I have cried too. I don't want to whine, but somedays life just seems so unfair. Please know that your words give me strength. Even though I don't know you...I tell myself "if Karin can keep trucking so can I!" Thanks for sharing your story. Alicia
I can't imagine the feelings - but I do know that God empowered you to be a mother (and I know you are), and when you do have a child in your arms - adopted or not - that same power will remain in you to love fully, sacrificially, and uniquely. My heart is with you!
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