Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Deep thoughts on a Wednesday Night....
I had a kind of break thru tonight.
I've always struggled with anxiety but it's seemed crazy and intense lately. As I was kind of searching for an answer, it hit me: To this day, after more than 6 years, I feel responsible that Micah isn't here. I know. I know there's nothing I could've done, no way I could've known his heart would stop for no reason that could be found. But there's something so deep, some part that is so wounded, that I still feel like I wasn't the mom I should've been. And I think that now affects my daughter. I worry. A lot. About things I can control, things that I can't. And it's so tough sometimes. I want to be the best mom to Piper that I possibly can and this doubt that still lingers, affects me more than I realized. Until tonight. I don't really know WHAT to do with this, but atleast now I know.
I haven't blogged in so long because I hate to share myself. My struggles. I have become so introverted over the years that it's so hard to let people know what's going thru my head. In the past 6 years, but mainly in the first couple after Micah died, I heard so many awful things. Things that some thought would inspire me or help me but instead pushed me farther away. I actually felt bad for being sad, for still having moments of sadness. I have been asked when I'd be over it. And I am coming to terms that I won't be "over" it. There's no way. I don't cry all the time or even some of the time. I have moments that hit me like a ton of bricks~ like this year, when my friends started sharing their kids first day of school pictures and knowing that I should be sharing Micah's too... Micah is a part of me. He changed me. I had spent most of the 35 weeks I carried him just talking to him and as he got bigger, i'd spend my nights just talking to him and him kicking in response. About a week after he was born, because I was so used to talking to him, I made him a promise that I would become a better person because of him. That I would live in a way that would make him proud. Honestly, I'm not sure if I am at this point, but I strive for this.
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3 comments:
This is so moving, and from the heart and honest. You are in my heart and prayers. Keep being the best Piper's mom you can be, and you will be amazed at the person she will become!
Karin, on the day that we got our son's referral my husband's nephew died. My husband was first at the hospital and first to find out that he didn't live until the helicopter touched down. He had to tell his one and only sibling, his sister, our nephew's mother. This was her one and only son, the only child that she and her husband shared together. I asked my mother, now departed, how long it usually took for parents to recover. She was a prosaic woman and shrugged her shoulders, saying, "Well, you've seen it. Some people never do." Have you ever thought that Micah sent Piper to take his place so that you wouldn't be alone? Now when you leave this earth there will be someone still on it who validates his short life by saying to people, "I had a brother, but his life was short." She will probably name a child after him. I had an older brother who died two weeks before he was born and my mother never made a shrine of his memory (again, very prosaic, accepted God's will, etc.) but we were all eager to hear every detail. So that we could validate his short life, too.
Ruby
((Hugs)) my dear friend. Wishing you and your family a Merry Christmas!
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