Bittersweet

Today is Mothers Day. It is also my seventh Mother's Day without Micah and my fourth with my daughter. Today is bittersweet. So sweet to hear Piper singing random songs and greeting me with "hi there, captain mom!" Because of the cartoon she's watching is about sailing. But also a reminder that Micah isn't here. The jarring pain has subsided but there is still that sadness & missing that can't be explained unless you've experienced it yourself. Today, I celebrate with my friends who are holding their little ones on their first official Mother's Day as well as those that have a few mothers days under their belt already.:)

Carry on

Last week I received a letter from one of my closest friends talking about Micah. Letting me know she never forgets and still thinks of him and prays for me often. I love that she knows me and my heart and that she shared this with me. The next day my friend came over and said that she had spent that morning looking at pictures of her daughter and letting herself remember the brief few months they spent together before she died of SIDS. The thing is, like any tramatic event, you never forget. You are never the same. As we talked, we realized that we've become okay with being okay. But to take time to remember is healthy. It's good. There are things in life that cannot be explained. Things that break your heart but you carry on.

Unexpected

Sometimes we get unwanted reminders of how precious life is. This week, a member do my husbands family had a heart attack but is doing well. My husband drove 11 hours to be with his family on Thursday. That night, after I put our daughter to bed, I hard a strange noise from the living room. When I went to investigate, I found our sweet Jazzie cat laying in a heap in a pile of vomit. I didn't think much of it, so I picked her up, cleaner her off, and moved her to my bed. That's when I noticed she couldn't move her legs, was panting like a dog, and her heart was beating so rapidly. Long story short, Jazzie had a massive stroke and the emergency vet confirmed that she was in heart failure and couldn't breath well on her own. I had to tell my husband on the phone and tell my daughter the next day. We are still reeling from her sudden death. Just a reminder to love on those around you as much as you can. People and pets. What I didn't expect is experiencing feelings I haven't had since Micah's death. Like loss of breath,where I feel my heart stops for a minute, when I am reminded that she is gone. Like going outside, expecting to see her turn the corner to greet me, then realizing I won't ever see that again. I used to get that feeling all the time when it would hit me that I wouldn't be able to parent Micah. I hate death. I think the suddenness and unexprectedness of this is why I'm experiencing some of the same things.

Same story

I started a new blog because I felt like I needed to seperate the different sections of my life. But the other day, i read about another blogger who was facing this same dilemma. Her life had changed so greatly from when she started the blog so she asked if she should start a new one or continue the story. It was unanimous: continue the story. So, I will do the same. Sharing about Micah was so freeing to me but many of my close family members didn't like it. They worried that I was too sad or too depressed. Honestly, I was just being real. I miss that. I miss sharing what's in my head and my heart about Micah, his sister, and life in general. I wrote all that and now I can't think of anything to say... So... Till next time :)

Deep thoughts on a Wednesday Night....

I had a kind of break thru tonight. I've always struggled with anxiety but it's seemed crazy and intense lately. As I was kind of searching for an answer, it hit me: To this day, after more than 6 years, I feel responsible that Micah isn't here. I know. I know there's nothing I could've done, no way I could've known his heart would stop for no reason that could be found. But there's something so deep, some part that is so wounded, that I still feel like I wasn't the mom I should've been. And I think that now affects my daughter. I worry. A lot. About things I can control, things that I can't. And it's so tough sometimes. I want to be the best mom to Piper that I possibly can and this doubt that still lingers, affects me more than I realized. Until tonight. I don't really know WHAT to do with this, but atleast now I know. I haven't blogged in so long because I hate to share myself. My struggles. I have become so introverted over the years that it's so hard to let people know what's going thru my head. In the past 6 years, but mainly in the first couple after Micah died, I heard so many awful things. Things that some thought would inspire me or help me but instead pushed me farther away. I actually felt bad for being sad, for still having moments of sadness. I have been asked when I'd be over it. And I am coming to terms that I won't be "over" it. There's no way. I don't cry all the time or even some of the time. I have moments that hit me like a ton of bricks~ like this year, when my friends started sharing their kids first day of school pictures and knowing that I should be sharing Micah's too... Micah is a part of me. He changed me. I had spent most of the 35 weeks I carried him just talking to him and as he got bigger, i'd spend my nights just talking to him and him kicking in response. About a week after he was born, because I was so used to talking to him, I made him a promise that I would become a better person because of him. That I would live in a way that would make him proud. Honestly, I'm not sure if I am at this point, but I strive for this.

My eyes water every night when I lay down. Only when I first lay down and when I'm laying on my right side. It's weird... Not like the normal eye watering, but like I'm crying. But I'm not. I wonder sometimes if crying every night for almost two years trained my eyes to do that. Other than that, life is good. I think of so many things to write and share, but when I actually take the time, my mind goes blank.. Maybe I should carry a pad of paper with me at all times!

5 years

A year or so after Micah died, I was sobbing and told Eric I was so afraid I'd forget the way he felt in my arms, and what every inch of him looked like- his fingers, his toes, his ears, his belly...
Eric told me to ask God to never forget and so I did. I am so thankful for the vivid memories although I still get that horrible gut wrenching pain as every detail of November 1 & 2 play in my mind, like watching a movie.
Micah would be 5 today. as his little sister gets bigger, I realize all that I will never experience with Micah and it is very hard.
I don't dwell. I think of him everyday but not in a sad way, just in the fact that this is a part of life for us. But on Micah's birthday, I allow myself to play back the memories and cry. It's therapeutic for me.