it's okay

I have written many posts in my heads the last few months but haven't had the time or energy to type it. One of the things that I wanted this blog to do is to give a little hope or atleast let people who are hurting or grieving to know that it's okay to do that. That it's okay to hurt. I think that's what I've struggled with the most. That my feelings are valid and my feelings are okay. As long as I'm not letting them control me, of course. I was at church for Easter and was overwhelmed as I was singing because this was the church and these were the songs that were a part of my life as I grieved and as I carried our daughter. And now, to have her in my arms, to be filled with such amazing joy...
Sometimes I can't comprehend it. Sometimes I feel as though my heart and my thoughts are at war with themselves. I am 100% fully, completely in love with monkey and she is my joy. But that ache is still there. Not as sharp, not as often, but still there. When I think about moments~ moments that are forever a part of me~ I loose my breath and I feel weak. The loss of Micah, my son, still hits me hard.
So, why am I writing? I'm not sure, really. I feel like I keep saying the same thing over again but maybe someone, if anyone still reads this, needs to know that it's okay to hurt and to grieve.

Wordless Wednesday

Pondering

I think a lot. I just don't have time to sit and ponder like I would like and share my thoughts... but I have a minute while Monkey sleeps, so...
Monkey and I had to take something to Eric at his Karate class tonight. As I was pulling out, I noticed a building across the street~ a building I drive past so often and don't think a thing. But tonight was different. A lady in black walked towards a man and they hugged. A deep, heartfelt hug. and it struck me: they were comforting each other in their mourning. You see, they were in the parking lot of a funeral home. The same funeral home where we had Micahs memorial. The same place where my friends and family met (through grainy pictures) and said good bye to Micah.
I find myself so caught up in life a lot of times. And then something hits me. Like tonight. Like watching Piper grow and learn new things and realizing what I am missing with Micah.
But in the same breath, I realize that I cannot change anything that has happened. I have always felt like I needed to live to honor Micah... I am not sure what that means, exactly, but I get glimses of it every now and again.

It's not Logical: It's about the heart

I've had this on my mind for a while and I figured I'd share it just because it's there...
After Micah died, I was still drawn to baby things. I used to give the baby isles at Target the death stare because I longed to look but it hurt so much. Once I was pregnant with Monkey and knew she was a girl, I was still drawn to not only the baby things but the boy things. I figured it was because that's all I knew since I focused on boy stuff for 9 months.
This hasn't gone away. I am drawn to both boys and girls stuff everywhere I go and have been really confused by it. But as I was thinking the day, something occured to me: My heart, my mammas heart, knows I have two children~ a boy and a girl. Logically, I know that I am able to raise only my daughter but my mammas heart... it just doesn't understand. oh, man. I really needed to write this. I am bawling like a baby but I really needed to put my feelings in words. so, that's where I'm at. So totally in love with Monkey, thrilled to finally be able parent my child, but heartbroken that I don't get to experience them with my son.

2 months

Monkey received her 2 month vaccinations yesterday. Eric took her and dealt with a blow-out diaper and a screaming baby on his own! I always hear women complaining about their husbands which makes me even more happy that Eric is so amazing with Monkey and that he juggles work, Monkey, the house and all else... He's pretty awesome!
She has grown 4 1/1 inches since she was born and has gained exactly 5 lbs! woo hoo!

sorry I've been lame.

I really am sorry! I have been trying to think of fun and exciting to write but since my days consist of Monkey, that's about all I have to report at this time!
Monkey had her 5 week doctor appt and now weighs NINE POUNDS 2 OZ!!! So, she went from the 25% at 2 weeks to 50% in weight and height (21 3/4 inches) so we are happy! She looks like a butterball but that's probably because we were used to seeing a tiny little baby for the first few weeks.
On to the pictures!

Happy Fathers Day!

This is one of my favorite things... my beautiful daughter hanging out with my best friend, her daddy. Eric, you are amazing in so many ways... Monkey is a very lucky girl to have such an amazing father.