My eyes water every night when I lay down. Only when I first lay down and when I'm laying on my right side. It's weird... Not like the normal eye watering, but like I'm crying. But I'm not. I wonder sometimes if crying every night for almost two years trained my eyes to do that. Other than that, life is good. I think of so many things to write and share, but when I actually take the time, my mind goes blank.. Maybe I should carry a pad of paper with me at all times!

5 years

A year or so after Micah died, I was sobbing and told Eric I was so afraid I'd forget the way he felt in my arms, and what every inch of him looked like- his fingers, his toes, his ears, his belly...
Eric told me to ask God to never forget and so I did. I am so thankful for the vivid memories although I still get that horrible gut wrenching pain as every detail of November 1 & 2 play in my mind, like watching a movie.
Micah would be 5 today. as his little sister gets bigger, I realize all that I will never experience with Micah and it is very hard.
I don't dwell. I think of him everyday but not in a sad way, just in the fact that this is a part of life for us. But on Micah's birthday, I allow myself to play back the memories and cry. It's therapeutic for me.

... a come back?...

I was thinking of making a comeback. Not really sure at this point but I think I might give it a go!
So, I stopped posting. Not for any other reason except life got crazy. Not really life. The Job. I'd been there for 7 1/2 years and the emotional abuse became intense to the point that I was having intense and crazy things happening all because of the stress. Good grief. I really believe God helped me get through the first 7 1/2 years and then it started getting really tough. I'd have friends who'd ask how the job was and when I'd say that I cried only 1 time that past week, they would say "that's good!" and they meant it.
But I'm happy to say I'm out. I'm done and I've started a new job! In a new City! In a new State! And although there are stresses, It's soo different.

I feel like I can breathe now. I feel relief. I feel like I can see things clearer now.

And I'm out of Florida. Nothing against Florida, I guess. Although I am not a fan. I did live in the middle of the state so that probably made it so much worse~ super hot, no breeze, nothing but humidity.

I live in the middle between my homestate of Michigan and Floria. Good middle ground with great views.

And I'm so excited about what the future holds!

4 years

This Tuesday is Micahs fourth birthday.

I still have a hard time that I had to say hello and good bye in the same breath.

I have been pretty emotional for months and I realized that it's because I haven't blogged... I haven't shared my feelings. I have ostrisized myself from many because I was just tired... tired of explaining my feelings or pretending that I was fine when I wasn't. I had family who couldn't deal with the emotions themselves pushing me to be okay. I had church people who believed that all were healed if you have enough faith and no sin in your life wondering which one it was that kept Micah from surviving, from being raised from the dead. I spent years listening to people get up there and preach this and I just listened. And now I am jaded. Jaded by the teachings, not by God. I love God. With all my heart. We still have trust issues that we're working on, but doesn't everyone struggle with trust issues in some area of their life with someone?
I think I'm almost ready to be real with people. almost.
It's just so hard sometimes to explain that I have TWO children but I do. Telling people Micah died makes people weird. They are uncomfortable and don't know how to respond to me. A lot of times, someone will say they had a miscarraige too. But what they don't understand is that these are much different from each other. I think of a miscarraige as a loss of dreams. When you become pregnant, the dreams for your child and life you will share together, start. When you miscarry, your dreams are lost for that Child.
With Micah, I was 35 weeks. I was well past the dreaming stage and was facing the reality of being a mom. I was starting to know his personality from the womb... He didn't like loud noises, He loved listening to his dad talk or play guitar and would stop moving to pay full attention to him. We used to spend every night when I went to bed with me talking and him wiggling in response. I didn't just lose my dreams; I lost my son.
I share this so that people understand that Micah was a real live boy with a sweet personality. Unfortunately, no one will really know this personally.
But I press on and enjoy my sweet little girl while missing my son.

it's okay

I have written many posts in my heads the last few months but haven't had the time or energy to type it. One of the things that I wanted this blog to do is to give a little hope or atleast let people who are hurting or grieving to know that it's okay to do that. That it's okay to hurt. I think that's what I've struggled with the most. That my feelings are valid and my feelings are okay. As long as I'm not letting them control me, of course. I was at church for Easter and was overwhelmed as I was singing because this was the church and these were the songs that were a part of my life as I grieved and as I carried our daughter. And now, to have her in my arms, to be filled with such amazing joy...
Sometimes I can't comprehend it. Sometimes I feel as though my heart and my thoughts are at war with themselves. I am 100% fully, completely in love with monkey and she is my joy. But that ache is still there. Not as sharp, not as often, but still there. When I think about moments~ moments that are forever a part of me~ I loose my breath and I feel weak. The loss of Micah, my son, still hits me hard.
So, why am I writing? I'm not sure, really. I feel like I keep saying the same thing over again but maybe someone, if anyone still reads this, needs to know that it's okay to hurt and to grieve.

Wordless Wednesday

Pondering

I think a lot. I just don't have time to sit and ponder like I would like and share my thoughts... but I have a minute while Monkey sleeps, so...
Monkey and I had to take something to Eric at his Karate class tonight. As I was pulling out, I noticed a building across the street~ a building I drive past so often and don't think a thing. But tonight was different. A lady in black walked towards a man and they hugged. A deep, heartfelt hug. and it struck me: they were comforting each other in their mourning. You see, they were in the parking lot of a funeral home. The same funeral home where we had Micahs memorial. The same place where my friends and family met (through grainy pictures) and said good bye to Micah.
I find myself so caught up in life a lot of times. And then something hits me. Like tonight. Like watching Piper grow and learn new things and realizing what I am missing with Micah.
But in the same breath, I realize that I cannot change anything that has happened. I have always felt like I needed to live to honor Micah... I am not sure what that means, exactly, but I get glimses of it every now and again.