Deep thoughts on a Wednesday Night....

I had a kind of break thru tonight. I've always struggled with anxiety but it's seemed crazy and intense lately. As I was kind of searching for an answer, it hit me: To this day, after more than 6 years, I feel responsible that Micah isn't here. I know. I know there's nothing I could've done, no way I could've known his heart would stop for no reason that could be found. But there's something so deep, some part that is so wounded, that I still feel like I wasn't the mom I should've been. And I think that now affects my daughter. I worry. A lot. About things I can control, things that I can't. And it's so tough sometimes. I want to be the best mom to Piper that I possibly can and this doubt that still lingers, affects me more than I realized. Until tonight. I don't really know WHAT to do with this, but atleast now I know. I haven't blogged in so long because I hate to share myself. My struggles. I have become so introverted over the years that it's so hard to let people know what's going thru my head. In the past 6 years, but mainly in the first couple after Micah died, I heard so many awful things. Things that some thought would inspire me or help me but instead pushed me farther away. I actually felt bad for being sad, for still having moments of sadness. I have been asked when I'd be over it. And I am coming to terms that I won't be "over" it. There's no way. I don't cry all the time or even some of the time. I have moments that hit me like a ton of bricks~ like this year, when my friends started sharing their kids first day of school pictures and knowing that I should be sharing Micah's too... Micah is a part of me. He changed me. I had spent most of the 35 weeks I carried him just talking to him and as he got bigger, i'd spend my nights just talking to him and him kicking in response. About a week after he was born, because I was so used to talking to him, I made him a promise that I would become a better person because of him. That I would live in a way that would make him proud. Honestly, I'm not sure if I am at this point, but I strive for this.

My eyes water every night when I lay down. Only when I first lay down and when I'm laying on my right side. It's weird... Not like the normal eye watering, but like I'm crying. But I'm not. I wonder sometimes if crying every night for almost two years trained my eyes to do that. Other than that, life is good. I think of so many things to write and share, but when I actually take the time, my mind goes blank.. Maybe I should carry a pad of paper with me at all times!

5 years

A year or so after Micah died, I was sobbing and told Eric I was so afraid I'd forget the way he felt in my arms, and what every inch of him looked like- his fingers, his toes, his ears, his belly...
Eric told me to ask God to never forget and so I did. I am so thankful for the vivid memories although I still get that horrible gut wrenching pain as every detail of November 1 & 2 play in my mind, like watching a movie.
Micah would be 5 today. as his little sister gets bigger, I realize all that I will never experience with Micah and it is very hard.
I don't dwell. I think of him everyday but not in a sad way, just in the fact that this is a part of life for us. But on Micah's birthday, I allow myself to play back the memories and cry. It's therapeutic for me.

... a come back?...

I was thinking of making a comeback. Not really sure at this point but I think I might give it a go!
So, I stopped posting. Not for any other reason except life got crazy. Not really life. The Job. I'd been there for 7 1/2 years and the emotional abuse became intense to the point that I was having intense and crazy things happening all because of the stress. Good grief. I really believe God helped me get through the first 7 1/2 years and then it started getting really tough. I'd have friends who'd ask how the job was and when I'd say that I cried only 1 time that past week, they would say "that's good!" and they meant it.
But I'm happy to say I'm out. I'm done and I've started a new job! In a new City! In a new State! And although there are stresses, It's soo different.

I feel like I can breathe now. I feel relief. I feel like I can see things clearer now.

And I'm out of Florida. Nothing against Florida, I guess. Although I am not a fan. I did live in the middle of the state so that probably made it so much worse~ super hot, no breeze, nothing but humidity.

I live in the middle between my homestate of Michigan and Floria. Good middle ground with great views.

And I'm so excited about what the future holds!

4 years

This Tuesday is Micahs fourth birthday.

I still have a hard time that I had to say hello and good bye in the same breath.

I have been pretty emotional for months and I realized that it's because I haven't blogged... I haven't shared my feelings. I have ostrisized myself from many because I was just tired... tired of explaining my feelings or pretending that I was fine when I wasn't. I had family who couldn't deal with the emotions themselves pushing me to be okay. I had church people who believed that all were healed if you have enough faith and no sin in your life wondering which one it was that kept Micah from surviving, from being raised from the dead. I spent years listening to people get up there and preach this and I just listened. And now I am jaded. Jaded by the teachings, not by God. I love God. With all my heart. We still have trust issues that we're working on, but doesn't everyone struggle with trust issues in some area of their life with someone?
I think I'm almost ready to be real with people. almost.
It's just so hard sometimes to explain that I have TWO children but I do. Telling people Micah died makes people weird. They are uncomfortable and don't know how to respond to me. A lot of times, someone will say they had a miscarraige too. But what they don't understand is that these are much different from each other. I think of a miscarraige as a loss of dreams. When you become pregnant, the dreams for your child and life you will share together, start. When you miscarry, your dreams are lost for that Child.
With Micah, I was 35 weeks. I was well past the dreaming stage and was facing the reality of being a mom. I was starting to know his personality from the womb... He didn't like loud noises, He loved listening to his dad talk or play guitar and would stop moving to pay full attention to him. We used to spend every night when I went to bed with me talking and him wiggling in response. I didn't just lose my dreams; I lost my son.
I share this so that people understand that Micah was a real live boy with a sweet personality. Unfortunately, no one will really know this personally.
But I press on and enjoy my sweet little girl while missing my son.

it's okay

I have written many posts in my heads the last few months but haven't had the time or energy to type it. One of the things that I wanted this blog to do is to give a little hope or atleast let people who are hurting or grieving to know that it's okay to do that. That it's okay to hurt. I think that's what I've struggled with the most. That my feelings are valid and my feelings are okay. As long as I'm not letting them control me, of course. I was at church for Easter and was overwhelmed as I was singing because this was the church and these were the songs that were a part of my life as I grieved and as I carried our daughter. And now, to have her in my arms, to be filled with such amazing joy...
Sometimes I can't comprehend it. Sometimes I feel as though my heart and my thoughts are at war with themselves. I am 100% fully, completely in love with monkey and she is my joy. But that ache is still there. Not as sharp, not as often, but still there. When I think about moments~ moments that are forever a part of me~ I loose my breath and I feel weak. The loss of Micah, my son, still hits me hard.
So, why am I writing? I'm not sure, really. I feel like I keep saying the same thing over again but maybe someone, if anyone still reads this, needs to know that it's okay to hurt and to grieve.

Wordless Wednesday