friends

I had always viewed God with an Iron fist. I believed that If I did not obey and do as (I believed) He wanted, I would be smoted. I'm note sure what being smoted is, I just didn't want it to happen to me. I had this idea of God that if you stayed on the straight and narrow, all would be well. My view of God was one of fear... unhealthy fear. In the last 5 years, God has revealed himself to me in many ways and I really felt friendship, real friendship with Jesus. I could understand his voice most of the time and was able to feel his presence. When Micah died, I saw this as my friend betraying me. This friend, who I spent so much time talking to, pouring out my heart to, let my son die. I put it on God. I felt betrayed by my friend and I pulled away. Yesterday, as I was praying, I realized that I've built this self reliance in the last year because I was so hurt and broken hearted. And Yesterday, as I journaled, I realized that I really miss my friend. I miss my Jesus. so much. I just miss Him. Not because of any fancy reason. I just miss my friend. As with every relationship, rebuilding takes time. I don't know what this will look like... I just know this is where I'm at and I don't want to be here, with a broken relationship with Jesus, anymore. I guess I just write this to let you know that God knows us, where we're at, what we're about. I have become more real not with just God but with most everyone because I am tired of pretending to be okay when I'm not. And God knows when I'm not. And he knows when you're not okay too. I just talk to Jesus and tell him my heart and he listens. I don't always get an answer, but it's good to have him there to hear.
'night...