Bittersweet

Today is Mothers Day. It is also my seventh Mother's Day without Micah and my fourth with my daughter. Today is bittersweet. So sweet to hear Piper singing random songs and greeting me with "hi there, captain mom!" Because of the cartoon she's watching is about sailing. But also a reminder that Micah isn't here. The jarring pain has subsided but there is still that sadness & missing that can't be explained unless you've experienced it yourself. Today, I celebrate with my friends who are holding their little ones on their first official Mother's Day as well as those that have a few mothers days under their belt already.:)

Carry on

Last week I received a letter from one of my closest friends talking about Micah. Letting me know she never forgets and still thinks of him and prays for me often. I love that she knows me and my heart and that she shared this with me. The next day my friend came over and said that she had spent that morning looking at pictures of her daughter and letting herself remember the brief few months they spent together before she died of SIDS. The thing is, like any tramatic event, you never forget. You are never the same. As we talked, we realized that we've become okay with being okay. But to take time to remember is healthy. It's good. There are things in life that cannot be explained. Things that break your heart but you carry on.

Unexpected

Sometimes we get unwanted reminders of how precious life is. This week, a member do my husbands family had a heart attack but is doing well. My husband drove 11 hours to be with his family on Thursday. That night, after I put our daughter to bed, I hard a strange noise from the living room. When I went to investigate, I found our sweet Jazzie cat laying in a heap in a pile of vomit. I didn't think much of it, so I picked her up, cleaner her off, and moved her to my bed. That's when I noticed she couldn't move her legs, was panting like a dog, and her heart was beating so rapidly. Long story short, Jazzie had a massive stroke and the emergency vet confirmed that she was in heart failure and couldn't breath well on her own. I had to tell my husband on the phone and tell my daughter the next day. We are still reeling from her sudden death. Just a reminder to love on those around you as much as you can. People and pets. What I didn't expect is experiencing feelings I haven't had since Micah's death. Like loss of breath,where I feel my heart stops for a minute, when I am reminded that she is gone. Like going outside, expecting to see her turn the corner to greet me, then realizing I won't ever see that again. I used to get that feeling all the time when it would hit me that I wouldn't be able to parent Micah. I hate death. I think the suddenness and unexprectedness of this is why I'm experiencing some of the same things.

Same story

I started a new blog because I felt like I needed to seperate the different sections of my life. But the other day, i read about another blogger who was facing this same dilemma. Her life had changed so greatly from when she started the blog so she asked if she should start a new one or continue the story. It was unanimous: continue the story. So, I will do the same. Sharing about Micah was so freeing to me but many of my close family members didn't like it. They worried that I was too sad or too depressed. Honestly, I was just being real. I miss that. I miss sharing what's in my head and my heart about Micah, his sister, and life in general. I wrote all that and now I can't think of anything to say... So... Till next time :)

Deep thoughts on a Wednesday Night....

I had a kind of break thru tonight. I've always struggled with anxiety but it's seemed crazy and intense lately. As I was kind of searching for an answer, it hit me: To this day, after more than 6 years, I feel responsible that Micah isn't here. I know. I know there's nothing I could've done, no way I could've known his heart would stop for no reason that could be found. But there's something so deep, some part that is so wounded, that I still feel like I wasn't the mom I should've been. And I think that now affects my daughter. I worry. A lot. About things I can control, things that I can't. And it's so tough sometimes. I want to be the best mom to Piper that I possibly can and this doubt that still lingers, affects me more than I realized. Until tonight. I don't really know WHAT to do with this, but atleast now I know. I haven't blogged in so long because I hate to share myself. My struggles. I have become so introverted over the years that it's so hard to let people know what's going thru my head. In the past 6 years, but mainly in the first couple after Micah died, I heard so many awful things. Things that some thought would inspire me or help me but instead pushed me farther away. I actually felt bad for being sad, for still having moments of sadness. I have been asked when I'd be over it. And I am coming to terms that I won't be "over" it. There's no way. I don't cry all the time or even some of the time. I have moments that hit me like a ton of bricks~ like this year, when my friends started sharing their kids first day of school pictures and knowing that I should be sharing Micah's too... Micah is a part of me. He changed me. I had spent most of the 35 weeks I carried him just talking to him and as he got bigger, i'd spend my nights just talking to him and him kicking in response. About a week after he was born, because I was so used to talking to him, I made him a promise that I would become a better person because of him. That I would live in a way that would make him proud. Honestly, I'm not sure if I am at this point, but I strive for this.

My eyes water every night when I lay down. Only when I first lay down and when I'm laying on my right side. It's weird... Not like the normal eye watering, but like I'm crying. But I'm not. I wonder sometimes if crying every night for almost two years trained my eyes to do that. Other than that, life is good. I think of so many things to write and share, but when I actually take the time, my mind goes blank.. Maybe I should carry a pad of paper with me at all times!

5 years

A year or so after Micah died, I was sobbing and told Eric I was so afraid I'd forget the way he felt in my arms, and what every inch of him looked like- his fingers, his toes, his ears, his belly...
Eric told me to ask God to never forget and so I did. I am so thankful for the vivid memories although I still get that horrible gut wrenching pain as every detail of November 1 & 2 play in my mind, like watching a movie.
Micah would be 5 today. as his little sister gets bigger, I realize all that I will never experience with Micah and it is very hard.
I don't dwell. I think of him everyday but not in a sad way, just in the fact that this is a part of life for us. But on Micah's birthday, I allow myself to play back the memories and cry. It's therapeutic for me.

... a come back?...

I was thinking of making a comeback. Not really sure at this point but I think I might give it a go!
So, I stopped posting. Not for any other reason except life got crazy. Not really life. The Job. I'd been there for 7 1/2 years and the emotional abuse became intense to the point that I was having intense and crazy things happening all because of the stress. Good grief. I really believe God helped me get through the first 7 1/2 years and then it started getting really tough. I'd have friends who'd ask how the job was and when I'd say that I cried only 1 time that past week, they would say "that's good!" and they meant it.
But I'm happy to say I'm out. I'm done and I've started a new job! In a new City! In a new State! And although there are stresses, It's soo different.

I feel like I can breathe now. I feel relief. I feel like I can see things clearer now.

And I'm out of Florida. Nothing against Florida, I guess. Although I am not a fan. I did live in the middle of the state so that probably made it so much worse~ super hot, no breeze, nothing but humidity.

I live in the middle between my homestate of Michigan and Floria. Good middle ground with great views.

And I'm so excited about what the future holds!

4 years

This Tuesday is Micahs fourth birthday.

I still have a hard time that I had to say hello and good bye in the same breath.

I have been pretty emotional for months and I realized that it's because I haven't blogged... I haven't shared my feelings. I have ostrisized myself from many because I was just tired... tired of explaining my feelings or pretending that I was fine when I wasn't. I had family who couldn't deal with the emotions themselves pushing me to be okay. I had church people who believed that all were healed if you have enough faith and no sin in your life wondering which one it was that kept Micah from surviving, from being raised from the dead. I spent years listening to people get up there and preach this and I just listened. And now I am jaded. Jaded by the teachings, not by God. I love God. With all my heart. We still have trust issues that we're working on, but doesn't everyone struggle with trust issues in some area of their life with someone?
I think I'm almost ready to be real with people. almost.
It's just so hard sometimes to explain that I have TWO children but I do. Telling people Micah died makes people weird. They are uncomfortable and don't know how to respond to me. A lot of times, someone will say they had a miscarraige too. But what they don't understand is that these are much different from each other. I think of a miscarraige as a loss of dreams. When you become pregnant, the dreams for your child and life you will share together, start. When you miscarry, your dreams are lost for that Child.
With Micah, I was 35 weeks. I was well past the dreaming stage and was facing the reality of being a mom. I was starting to know his personality from the womb... He didn't like loud noises, He loved listening to his dad talk or play guitar and would stop moving to pay full attention to him. We used to spend every night when I went to bed with me talking and him wiggling in response. I didn't just lose my dreams; I lost my son.
I share this so that people understand that Micah was a real live boy with a sweet personality. Unfortunately, no one will really know this personally.
But I press on and enjoy my sweet little girl while missing my son.

it's okay

I have written many posts in my heads the last few months but haven't had the time or energy to type it. One of the things that I wanted this blog to do is to give a little hope or atleast let people who are hurting or grieving to know that it's okay to do that. That it's okay to hurt. I think that's what I've struggled with the most. That my feelings are valid and my feelings are okay. As long as I'm not letting them control me, of course. I was at church for Easter and was overwhelmed as I was singing because this was the church and these were the songs that were a part of my life as I grieved and as I carried our daughter. And now, to have her in my arms, to be filled with such amazing joy...
Sometimes I can't comprehend it. Sometimes I feel as though my heart and my thoughts are at war with themselves. I am 100% fully, completely in love with monkey and she is my joy. But that ache is still there. Not as sharp, not as often, but still there. When I think about moments~ moments that are forever a part of me~ I loose my breath and I feel weak. The loss of Micah, my son, still hits me hard.
So, why am I writing? I'm not sure, really. I feel like I keep saying the same thing over again but maybe someone, if anyone still reads this, needs to know that it's okay to hurt and to grieve.

Wordless Wednesday

Pondering

I think a lot. I just don't have time to sit and ponder like I would like and share my thoughts... but I have a minute while Monkey sleeps, so...
Monkey and I had to take something to Eric at his Karate class tonight. As I was pulling out, I noticed a building across the street~ a building I drive past so often and don't think a thing. But tonight was different. A lady in black walked towards a man and they hugged. A deep, heartfelt hug. and it struck me: they were comforting each other in their mourning. You see, they were in the parking lot of a funeral home. The same funeral home where we had Micahs memorial. The same place where my friends and family met (through grainy pictures) and said good bye to Micah.
I find myself so caught up in life a lot of times. And then something hits me. Like tonight. Like watching Piper grow and learn new things and realizing what I am missing with Micah.
But in the same breath, I realize that I cannot change anything that has happened. I have always felt like I needed to live to honor Micah... I am not sure what that means, exactly, but I get glimses of it every now and again.

It's not Logical: It's about the heart

I've had this on my mind for a while and I figured I'd share it just because it's there...
After Micah died, I was still drawn to baby things. I used to give the baby isles at Target the death stare because I longed to look but it hurt so much. Once I was pregnant with Monkey and knew she was a girl, I was still drawn to not only the baby things but the boy things. I figured it was because that's all I knew since I focused on boy stuff for 9 months.
This hasn't gone away. I am drawn to both boys and girls stuff everywhere I go and have been really confused by it. But as I was thinking the day, something occured to me: My heart, my mammas heart, knows I have two children~ a boy and a girl. Logically, I know that I am able to raise only my daughter but my mammas heart... it just doesn't understand. oh, man. I really needed to write this. I am bawling like a baby but I really needed to put my feelings in words. so, that's where I'm at. So totally in love with Monkey, thrilled to finally be able parent my child, but heartbroken that I don't get to experience them with my son.

2 months

Monkey received her 2 month vaccinations yesterday. Eric took her and dealt with a blow-out diaper and a screaming baby on his own! I always hear women complaining about their husbands which makes me even more happy that Eric is so amazing with Monkey and that he juggles work, Monkey, the house and all else... He's pretty awesome!
She has grown 4 1/1 inches since she was born and has gained exactly 5 lbs! woo hoo!

sorry I've been lame.

I really am sorry! I have been trying to think of fun and exciting to write but since my days consist of Monkey, that's about all I have to report at this time!
Monkey had her 5 week doctor appt and now weighs NINE POUNDS 2 OZ!!! So, she went from the 25% at 2 weeks to 50% in weight and height (21 3/4 inches) so we are happy! She looks like a butterball but that's probably because we were used to seeing a tiny little baby for the first few weeks.
On to the pictures!

Happy Fathers Day!

This is one of my favorite things... my beautiful daughter hanging out with my best friend, her daddy. Eric, you are amazing in so many ways... Monkey is a very lucky girl to have such an amazing father.

Monkey is 2 weeks and 3 days old today! Honestly, I can't remember life without her. I know this is said all the time but I really mean it! I don't remember what it was like to sleep thru the night, to not have her to hold and kiss, to not here her high diva squel when I take too long to feed her. I thought that I would have a harder time emotionally with the fact that all these things that I get to experience with Monkey I never did or will with Micah. And although I've had these moments, I am at peace. I am not okay with never holding my son again or the fact that Monkey won't get to grow up with her brother but I am finally coming to terms in a way I never did before. I am not sure I can explain it any better than that.
Here are some pictures of Monkey!

SHE HAS ARRIVED!

At my Wednesday appt. the doctor told me that all was well, I was not dialated AT ALL and he'd see me the following Wednesday. Well, I guess the doctor didn't know that I was going to prove that the old wives tale that spicy food brings on labor was in fact true! My brother was in town Wednesday so we all went to a mexican restaurant. Monkey was born on Thursday, May 28, 2009. She is beautiful, healthy, and a joy.

Not much to say.

I've been laying pretty low lately. Mostly because I'm just exhausted. The other part is I'm trying to keep my emotions at bay. I can't wait to have Monkey here, to hear her cry, see her face, to know she's okay. I feel like I'm holding my breath till then.
I had a breakdown moment on Friday when I realized that this week is 35 weeks and I just broke down... I don't know how I can still stand after losing Micah. All these emotions came rushing over me... I am so attached to Monkey as I was (and still am) to Micah and that pain of that loss was so real right at that moment. It has been at different moments over the last 9 months and I just haven't wanted to share with anyone other than Eric. I just couldn't. I just can't. It's too deep, too raw right now. And As I type, Monkey is kicking me and she has the hiccups, letting me know that all is well in her world. Well, I'm off to go get an ice cream cookie sandwich. I think it's good for my emotional health... that and chocolate.

Reminiscing.

During the summers of 1999 and 2000, I lived on Mackinac Island. There's something about just hearing that name that causes this crazy nastalgia. The first summer I worked there, I worked at a Bakery. I lived upstairs with 14 other girls in a 4 bedroom/2 bath/tiny kitchen/no dining room/small living room apartment. That summer I met Carrie who was also my "house mom". Carrie, my roommate Tammy(who grew up on a farm in a whole different world then me but was such a great roomate), and I hung out all the time. We worked together, hung out together. By the end of the summer, I don't think we thought we would ever want to see eachother again. But, a few months later, we were in touch again. I have been unable to contact Tammy for the last 7 years but Carrie is still one of my favorite people. She is the one I call when random things happen. She is very busy, working different hours than me, so I usually leave rambling messages on her voice mail. Not sure why. It's just what I do and so far, she still laughs!
Summer 2000 was good too. I got out more, trying hard not to gain the 15 lbs I gained the summer before (I lost it all on a few weeks once I was away from the cinnamon rolls that were as big as my head), and really explored the island. I also worked at the coffee shop as well as the bakery. This was when I fell in love with coffee shops and planted that seed of hope to one day have my own.
With all the stress of life these last few years, I think my memories are fading sometimes... but not when I think about these summers. I remember so many moments, the people, the smells, the way it felt to walk to the post office and have a bunch of people say hi and know who I was. I remember the sound of the water, the breeze on my face. Exploring the Island on walks. Mission Point resort where we used to sit by the fireplaces after work and play cards. I am so thankful for this experience, for the memories. I hope that I can take my kids there someday and although they will look at the Island through different eyes, I hope that they will be able to grasp the beauty, awe and wonder of that place.